you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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