that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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