The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You made out with two different species that night
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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