Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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