i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
