a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so let's talk penis.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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