I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
two words: eviction party
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just found a bag of teeth...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
