Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
