i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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