i may or may not be watching the land before time
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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