i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
