for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
