Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
