i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
