i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
