if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We have started to decorate penises.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
