So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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