The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Four minutes until I can fart!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
