I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
