I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
