I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
