Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
In America we eat man semen.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
two words...techno handjob
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
