You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
