Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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