Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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