Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
