It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Your topless pictures make me question reality
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
