Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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