I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
