this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
