Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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