I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
