You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
