Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
