after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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