I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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