Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
