oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
