I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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