He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
