apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need water and some morals
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
