her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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