i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
