Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Help me help you realize you are a moron
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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