Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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