what day is it and did you see me today?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
