i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
