...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
