If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
