Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
