I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
